Do you hate R. Kelly? I know I do. His preposterous claims of flight enrage me, as I know they cannot possibly be true. Unlike you however, I decided to do something about it.
I had studied Greek mythology during my frequent trips to the toilet, so I knew that R. Kelly would be vulnerable to an attack on his heel. Having heard tell of a prophesy that R. Kelly would die of an arrow wound to the ankle, his mother Paris, dipped him in the River Styx, who's magical waters would somehow bestow invincibility on this soon to be great warrior/awful rapper. Unfortunately for R. Kelly, I knew that (with the kind of lazy attitude typical of the French) Paris, had held him by his ankle and the magical waters could not possibly have washed over that part of his body. So, I shot him in his R.Kelly's heel, which soon led to his slow and hilarious death. Now when I think about R. Kelly, instead of being thrown into a tremendous rage, it's all I can do to stifle a giggle.
Well anyway, I wish that's what I'd done. The facts however, are slightly different. How many of us have been annoyed and flustered by someone, only to think of a brilliantly witty repost in the car on the way home? That's almost exactly what happened to me after I met R. Kelly in Debenhams. Only later did I think to myself 'I should have shot that c*nt right in the f*cking leg'.
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