Zombee

The Drug Of The Nation

I've spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to turn my TV on. I got there in the end though, you have to stick your finger up his arse.

R2D2 To Play Warwick Davis In New BBC2 Sitcom

 'We knew that a real person could never fit inside the Warwick Davis costume' squawked the show's co-creator Steven Merchant(in my mind) 'and Prince was not available, so we gave R2 a call. ‎At first we thought we'd got through to his fax machine but eventually we figured out that George Lucas had completely ruined R2's career with a series of awful prequels and he was now assembling Toyotas in Osaka'.
 

Going Down On An Old Wreck?

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[Insert Peter Andre based punchline here]

Why Not Use One Of These To Break The Ice At Parties?

Red Todgers

Oh no! I forgot to take the bins out. I promised them we'd go to the zoo.

An Open Letter To John Lennon

Dear Mr. Lennon.
With the benefit of hindsight, do you still think that it was wise to marry a woman called 'Oh No'?

Lots of love
Joey.

I've got myself mixed up with a Mafia taxidermist. He made me an otter I couldn't refuse.

Whenever I feel lonely, I remind myself that I am probably surrounded by silent ninja assassins and the loneliness soon goes away.

......this does of course, leave me with another, slightly more pressing problem.

I can laugh about it now, but I'll never forget the day I woke up with a horse's head in my bed.

Women: Untrustworthy. Scientists: Also Untrustworthy.

I've long suspected that women scientists fake their organisms and here's the proof.

Philosoraptor

René Descartes was wrong. I don't think he am.

Slag Heap

I miss the 1990s, don't you? Deciding which member of Jedward you'd kill if you only had one bullet, isn't nearly as much fun as trying to figure out the order in which you'd like to violate The Spice Girls.

R. Kelly's Last Stand

 Do you hate R. Kelly? I know I do. His preposterous claims of flight enrage me, as I know they cannot possibly be true. Unlike you however, I decided to do something about it.

 I had studied Greek mythology during my frequent trips to the toilet, so I knew that R. Kelly would be vulnerable to an attack on his heel. Having heard tell of a prophesy that R. Kelly would die of an arrow wound to the ankle, his mother Paris, dipped him in the River Styx, who's magical waters would somehow bestow invincibility on this soon to be great warrior/awful rapper. Unfortunately for R. Kelly, I knew that (with the kind of lazy attitude typical of the French) Paris, had held him by his ankle and the magical waters could not possibly have washed over that part of his body. So, I shot him in his R.Kelly's heel, which soon led to his slow and hilarious death. Now when I think about R. Kelly, instead of being thrown into a tremendous  rage, it's all I can do to stifle a giggle.

 Well anyway, I wish that's what I'd done. The facts however, are slightly different. How many of us have been annoyed and flustered by someone, only to think of a brilliantly witty repost in the car on the way home? That's almost exactly what happened to me after I met R. Kelly in Debenhams. Only later did I think to myself 'I should have shot that c*nt right in the f*cking leg'.

Cross-Dressing

'Have you got it in a size twelve?'

The Bitter Smell Of Almonds

 If you wish to avoid a prism sentence, stop reading now. It is illegal to refract light using confectionery, even though both Skittles and Toblerone appear to do the job admirably.

His Middle Name Is Kangaroo

Time Machine

 Our tenure here on earth is but a fleeting one. Great swathes of what we know as our cultural lives will simply be lost to the mists of time, leaving future generations ignorant of our very existence. Unless that is, someone like me can do something like this:
 So that our progeny can know a little about us, I have created a time capsule! Deciding what to put in it wasn't easy. Whatever it was, would need to perfectly represent our culture and society. Should it be a DVD of those great Saturday night rivals  'Strictly' and 'X Factor'? Perhaps the latest instalment of Jordan's autobiography? Maybe a movie poster for a rom-com starring Jennifer Aniston? A copy of The Sun, or Ed Milliband? Well, in the end I knew that all these things would not fit inside my tiny time capsule, so I simply shat in a shoe box and buried it in the garden. I'm sure the children of the future will  figure it out in the end(if they  haven't all de-evolved into 'Gadget Show' presenters).

P.S. Due to a spelling collapse, a picture of a Tim Minchin has been used to illustrate this post instead of a picture of a time machine but I doubt it matters.

The Most Circular Of All The Sausages

Do you believe in UFOs? Back in the fifties, my dad was a pilot in the RAF, flying the new breed of jet fighters at previously unheard of speeds and altitudes. He used to delight in telling us about an inexplicable cigar shaped object that he swears he once spotted at incredibly close range. I wanted to investigate further but when I interrogated  him to get an exact location for this object, he confessed that he had seen it in the tobacconists on the high street. Still, weird isn't it?

Incidentally, this UFO pictured over Cumberland, was described  by experts as being like a flying sausage. Two things about this simply do not ring true: 1) Sausages can't fly.  2) Cumberland sausages are round.

Racist

As you can see from the picture, Nirvana's very own Krist Novoselic was an absolutely massive racist..............................................................................BASSIST, I MEAN MASSIVE BASSIST!
Jesus, that was close.

Please Don't Play Boogie-Woogie Piano On Our Song

I enjoyed seeing Lou Reed and Metallica together at last on BBC2's 'Later'. Metallica brilliantly out manoeuvred Jools Holland by pre-emptively letting Lou Reed ruin their performance before Jools had a chance to.  Next week: Motorhead and Michael Portillo.

I like Richard Bacon, don't you? He's like a Blue Peter presenter on coke.

NASUWT Not A Proper Word

The NASUWT has voted for strike action against planned pension changes. The union's leader Chris Keates proudly declared:  "This is a vote that cannot be ignored". In response, David Cameron had this to say: "Chris who? Sorry, I wasn't listening".
In related news, the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary have ruled that 'NASUWT' is not a word and never can be.

Yorrkshire Pudding

Foreign Secretary Will 'I Am' Hague is to meet with Syrian rebels. Hopefully, this will lead them to reject democracy and go home quietly.

Viewers In Need

Congratulations to everyone involved in last night's record breaking Children In Need appeal. Many critics are hailing this year's televisual abortion as, not only the worst Children In Need ever, but as the worst television programme ever made. A BBC spokes-Wogan said 'Initially, we had our doubts, but when the producers announced that we had Fearne Cotton on board, we all realised that we could make the show even worse than the third episode of 1984's  'The Lenny Henry Show' (previously regarded as the worst television show of all time). Sadly, the Children In Need team will not get a chance to make an even worse show, as  this year's was so shockingly bad, the government has had no choice but to break up the BBC and ban television altogether.......................................probably. I don't know, I didn't watch it. I'm not stupid.

Foxtrot Alfa Tango Tango Whiskey Alfa Tango

Foxtrot Alfa Tango Tango Whiskey Alfa Tango

Foxtrot Alfa Tango Tango Whiskey Alfa Tango

What England Should Be Like

What England Is Actually Like

John Fusspot

Democracy news now: Democracy collapsed in The United Kingdom today when John Prescott ate the electoral roll. 'I, as that I am John Prescott, thought that it was a ham and egg' babbled the incoherent former deputy prime number.

Lib Off

Did you know that Nick Clegg speaks five different languages? He is effluent in English, Dutch, Spanish, German and another one.

For Ever And Ever Omen

Movie fact go: God enjoyed 1970's horror classic 'The Omen' so much, he makes all his followers name check it at the end of 'The Lord's Prayer' every night before they even think about going to bed. Omen.

Moral Maze

If an engaged couple split up, should the woman give the man his engagement ring back? Well yes, I think she probably should, but if he loses his watch up there as well, I'm afraid it's tough titty mister.

Eel Diamond

Edmonds You W*nker

You've gone too damn far this time Edmonds.

Baffling Series Of Events

I became a little tired today on my daily constitutional walk round the bathroom so I decided to look for somewhere to rest for a few minutes. I was delighted to see a chair-shaped porcelain object which seemed to fit the bill splendidly, so naturally enough, I pulled down my trousers and took a seat. Imagine my utter surprise when after just a few seconds, a little African feller (with appalling personal hygiene) jumped out of my bottom and swam off down  the tiny log flume which (I had just realised) embarked from my new porcelain resting spot. Clearly I was not the first person to experience such an event, as a cardboard lifebuoy attached to a flat roll of paper rope had been provided, which I promptly threw after my new African friend, but sadly to no avail.
  I was utterly baffled by these strange events and would greatly appreciate any possible explanation you may have to offer on the subject. Naturally I have informed the relevant authorities but frankly, I don't think they took my story of supernatural brown bathroom fairies very seriously.
   Yours faithfully
Peregrine Poolord VII.

Jazz Triv

Did you know that the Billie Holliday classic 'Strange Fruit' is not(as widely believed) a commentary on the racist lynchings of black people in pre-civil rights America, but a vitriolic attack on Dale Winton.

Footy

 We all know that football is a bag of wank and that anyone who follows it deserves to have their throat slit, but even I was stunned to learn about a new development in the game which just goes to show what a bunch of preening supermodels modern footballers have become. I refer to a phenomenon known as the 'away strip'.
 The 'away strip' apparently, is a change of clothes  all footballers take to away games which they change into if the opposition team turns up wearing the same outfit. Jesus tonight, you're proffesional athletes at a competitive match not Nancy Dell'Olio at a 'showbiz' wedding.

911 Solved

 We all accept that the C.I.A. brought down The World Trade Centre towers in order to give themselves something to do after the cold war ended but I think we should take seriously this much more  plausible explanation which has been all over the internet ever since I made it up just now. My sources tell me that forensic scientists sifting through the 911 wreckage received orders directly from The White House to suppress the fact that they were finding small wooden blocks, approximately the size of a Biscuit Boost scattered among the debris. What could this possibly mean? This reporter can only draw one logical conclusion.
 The events of 911 were the inevitable result of a game of Jenga between George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden which got massively and tragically out of hand. The two ideologically opposed protagonists first hit upon the idea in the 1970's as a way of settling their differences once and for all, without any innocent people getting hurt(which neither of them could possibly countenance) and so they began to build. What each of them failed to predict however, was the massive resources which the other would be willing to throw at the problem and so the towers began to grow....and grow....and grow and grow  some more. All this went unnoticed by native New Yorkers who were used to seeing such structures appearing on their world famous skyline. Indeed some of the more opportunistic  members of the business community took it upon themselves to move into the new towers, after all, this was some of the world's most expensive real estate, right in the heart of the Manhattan central business district. How were they to know? Besides, the towers seemed to be unoccupied and they had squatter's rights didn't they?
 Well, you can guess the rest. No game of Jenga was ever supposed to go on that long, no Jenga tower supposed to go that high, no one was supposed to get hurt  and yet down,down,down they came. The funny thing about the whole situation is that, in all the kerfuffle that followed, nobody can remember which tower was built by George and which was built by Osama so they're both going to start again on the same site. This time my money's on Bush. George W was as drunk as David Cameron on boat race day throughout the construction of the lower levels during the 1970's. This MUST have had an impact on his tower's stability. Surely a sober George Bush can build right up to the heavens and this time it's absolutely certain that nobody will get hurt.

Crepe

I've got no idea how the french can manage to eat something called a crepe without laughing.

Way Out Trams

Winning

I've just had a massive argument with my neighbours about who lives next door. They keep saying that I do but I KNOW that it's them.

Why Do Women Have To Lie About Their Age?

If that woman is 10, I'm Nancy Dell'olio.

Eugenics

I know that it's frowned upon these days but I am proud to say that I am a firm believer in eugenics. Fergie and Prince Andrew must be very proud of her.

If you play records by 'The Cure' at 12 times their normal speed, you will attract 'goth bats'.

 Yes, I suppose you're right, all bats are goth bats.

Horse Fact:

 All horses have Mexican style moustaches but for some reason they grow them on the soles of their terrible horsey feet.

If You Laugh At This, You Are A Good Person

Which soul singer lives in the bath? Loofer Vandross.

If You Laugh At This, You Are A Bad Person

What rapes children quickly? A Speedophile.

Can you be a princess of Kent? Can you be a princess if your name is Michael? You can if you're Princess Michael of Kent.

The attached photo shows the Principality of Kent where Princess Michael of Kent rules with absolute authority having pulled forth Excalibur from the living rock. At least, I presume that's what happened

Even Dwarfs Started Small

My sister wasn't too impressed when I turned up at her wedding with half a dozen midget acrobats. I don't know why she kept moaning about them, she specifically asked for a set of half-pint tumblers.

Obama

Those crazy Americans have been so worried that their president's surname sounds a bit like 'Osama', they've completely forgotten that his first name sounds like 'bollock'.

Clean Sweep

When it comes to television drama, I'm into anything with a broad historical sweep. That's why I like watching early episodes of 'The Sooty Show' on my new wide screen TV.

Paradox

Do you believe in God? Yeah, well how do you explain this then?

Thrush Metal

Looks like Gok Wan has finally joined Metallica. I can honestly say I was not expecting that.

Incidentally, you are absolutely right, there  is no such thing as 'acoustic metal'. In the event of a power cut, there can be no metal. WHICH IS WHY THE POWER MUST BE KEPT ON AT ALL COSTS!

Arms reduction talks.

Buckfast at Tiffany's