I can exclusively reveal that I have signed an $800,000 per episode deal to watch the new series of hit U.S. sitcom 'Two And A Half Men'. Hollywood execs were keen to secure a viewer for Ashton Kutcher's new Charlie Sheen vehicle after the troubled star left the show because he had won.
A source close to Mr. Kutcher has denied rumours that the 'actor' is also to finish writing Samuel Taylor Coleridge's incomplete masterpiece 'Kubla Khan' and fight the last two rounds of Gerald McLellan's doomed 1991 WBO super middleweight fight against Nigel Benn(a fight that everyone who's ever witnessed any of Mr.Kutcher's work, would surely love to see). For the sake of full disclosure, I feel that I should point out that I have absolutely no idea who Ashton Kutcher is, nor indeed have I ever had an interest in watching 'Two And A Half Men'. Both the show and Mr. Kutcher could of course, be brilliant. All my natural instincts however, scream otherwise and if there's one thing I'm absolutely sure that all people should always rely on, it's our own prejudiced assumptions about other people.
Concerns are also growing with regards to the wisdom of proceeding with this year's London Olympics given the likelihood that Charlie Sheen will win every single event, especially the pole vault. Mr. Sheen will no doubt be competing on behalf of the Polish team......the Polish team...... I said 'Mr. Sheen will be competing for the Polish team'..... Your not even reading this, are you?
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