Last Of The Joe Deacons: January 2012

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Giant Teenage Seagulls Target Floating Old People's Home

Boat smash investigators have revealed their preliminary findings following the recovery of the doomed cruise ship Costa Concordia's indestructible black box recorder. "The black box was not difficult to locate, the ship's captain had climbed inside it and was loudly screaming for his mother" boomed a smash team representative. "Having subjected the recording device to rigorous cross examination and an absolutely necessary waterboarding session and in light of recently unearthed photographic evidence(see above*) we have concluded that the ship had come under a sustained attack from opportunistic giant teenage delinquent seagulls. The ship was susceptible to such an attack because the political leanings of any cruise ship's clientèle will lead them all to congregate on the extreme right wing of the ship causing it to list dangerously".
I agree with him, that probably is what happened.
*Coincidentally, 'see above' is exactly what the ships passengers saw when they looked out their windows.

Monday, 30 January 2012

Who Do You Think You Are?

I was fascinated to watch last night's 'Who Do You Think You Are?' featuring Charles Darwin. Using census data and ancient parish records, Darwin was able to trace his mother's family tree back some 400 million years to a type of lung fish that crawled out from the primordial soup to become the first member of his family to successfully live on land and breath air. Not all of Darwin's ancestors were quite so illustrious though, further investigation of his father's side revealed a shameful secret. It seems that one branch of the family were nothing more than a bunch of damned dirty apes, who probably spent all day swinging around in old tyres and throwing their own sh*t at each other. Interestingly, many American high schools are refusing to show the program which unlike evolution, does not exist.

This is the album art for Public Image Ltd's That What Is Not

I think it somehow looks like Simon Cowell.

Saturday, 28 January 2012

If you think this is a bit odd....

...you're probably right.

Friday, 27 January 2012

Squat Of The Antarctic

Thursday, 26 January 2012

You are Lional Richie, not Spiderman.

Remedial

Have You Any Idea What A Terribly Grubby Little Man David Cameron Really Is?

Hurrah! My new job as a dangerously amoral government scientist has got off to a flying start! I started work on my invisibility cloak idea first thing this morning and now it's ready to go! David Cameron is sure to be delighted with my work, which he intends to use to sneak in to the boys showers at Eton. It really is very touching that the PM misses his school days so much that he feels the need to take this stroll down memory lane, and the fact that he has asked me to create an invisibility device so that the boys of Eton College are not alarmed by his presence shows just what a caring man he really is(although what he intends to do with the box of invisible hankies which he also asked be to invent, I have no idea). I think that DC may even be planning to give one of my invisibility cloaks to his lovely wife Samantha as a surprise birthday present, as he has specifically asked me not to mention anything about it to her.
Anyway, I really must go and give the PM the good news. Now, where did I put the cloak.............I know it was here somewhere............has anybody seen my invisible cloak? ..........anybody? I'm sure I left it on the........
Oh dear. My futuro-predictotron really should have seen this coming.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

This Is A Flat Mite

I fell out with my flat mite. He kept drinking all the milk.

Now, I like the Welsh as much as the next man.

Just as long as the next man is Anne Robinson.

Does anyone fancy coming to see 'The Charlatans'?

That's great! A new complimentary medicine clinic has just opened on the high street, I'll see you there. Don't forget your wallet.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Why don't pigeons do 'anal'?

Because they don't like being pigeon-holed.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Paddy Pantsdown Is Not Going To Take It

Former Liberal Democrat leader Paddy Pantsdown has vowed to oppose government plans for a £26,000/year benefits cap. 'If there's one thing that the British people can rely on me to do, it's to whip off my pants and shag anything with a pulse.' squarked the liberal lothario 'This unflinching policy during my time as leader, led me to sire thousands of illegitimate liblings who's yummy mummies rely on these benefits to bring up my magnificent spawn. A Tory benefits cap could be the one thing standing between my clone army and global domination. Therefore I will be voting against the bill when it comes before The House Of Lords'.

Friday, 20 January 2012

Naked Marine Archaeologists Confirm Existence of 'Tiny Christ'.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Michael Portillo Caught In Waterloo Portaloo

Poetry fans were delighted today when Michael Portillo was caught in a Waterloo Portaloo while filming his novelty smash hit BBC2 show 'Great British Railway Journeys'. 'I haven't been this excited since Bill Oddie and Showaddywaddy found Noddy's body' squarked poetry sexpert Roger McGough(who's name does not rhyme).
'Edward Woodward(who's name rhymes with itself an incredible three times) may be impressed by this sort of thing, but Emma Freud and I are considerably less enthusiastic' claimed Gary Glitter.
Forest Gump, Walter Mitty, Douglas Hurd, Ertha Kitt and James Blunt all quite rightly refused to take part in this incredibly misguided item.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

I've spent the whole day arranging my heavy metal albums in to alphabetical order.

Diving Should Be Banned In All Sports.......

..........except diving.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

$800,000 Per Episode Two And A Half Men Deal

I can exclusively reveal that I have signed an $800,000 per episode deal to watch the new series of hit U.S. sitcom 'Two And A Half Men'. Hollywood execs were keen to secure a viewer for Ashton Kutcher's new Charlie Sheen vehicle after the troubled star left the show because he had won.

A source close to Mr. Kutcher has denied rumours that the 'actor' is also to finish writing Samuel Taylor Coleridge's incomplete masterpiece 'Kubla Khan' and fight the last two rounds of Gerald McLellan's doomed 1991 WBO super middleweight fight against Nigel Benn(a fight that everyone who's ever witnessed any of Mr.Kutcher's work, would surely love to see). For the sake of full disclosure, I feel that I should point out that I have absolutely no idea who Ashton Kutcher is, nor indeed have I ever had an interest in watching 'Two And A Half Men'. Both the show and Mr. Kutcher could of course, be brilliant. All my natural instincts however, scream otherwise and if there's one thing I'm absolutely sure that all people should always rely on, it's our own prejudiced assumptions about other people.

Concerns are also growing with regards to the wisdom of proceeding with this year's London Olympics given the likelihood that Charlie Sheen will win every single event, especially the pole vault. Mr. Sheen will no doubt be competing on behalf of the Polish team......the Polish team...... I said 'Mr. Sheen will be competing for the Polish team'..... Your not even reading this, are you?

Friday, 13 January 2012

moneysavingexpert.com

I'm Worried About Wikileaks

Maybe I shouldn't go out Wikidrinking all Wikinight.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Ronald Reagan Lays Egg

Barn To Boogie

Anthony Worrall Thompson And Richard Madely To Steal Winona Ryder

I can exclusively reveal that celebrity shoplifters Anthony Worrall Thompson and Richard Madely are to join forces and attempt to steal Wynona Ryder. 'The successful theft of Hollywood goth queen Winona would prove to the Yanks once and for all, that our celebrity shoplifters are the best in the world' squarked Worrall Thompson(who somehow reminds me of a fat seagull). 'Essentially we're doing it for Britain' screamed Madely 'Even though I could easily afford to buy Winona Ryder several times over, I'm going to steal her from right under her own nose. Both my friends think I'm crazy, and maybe they're right! While I will do the actual stealing, Worrall Thompson's role will be to act as a deterrent against us being strip-searched by security staff at the airport'.
This brave reporter firmly believes that a successful attempt on Winona Ryder will more than make up for the shame this country has carried since Amundsen beat Captain Scott to the Antarctic and Michael Jackson beat Gary Glitter to Macaulay Culkin.