Ootinii!!

Obama Bin Llama

It's difficult to have any sympathy for Osama Bin Laden who was buried at sea last year, but I think that maybe we should all take a moment to remember the dozens of American sailors who drowned while bravely digging his grave.

Did you hear about the talking zoo?

No, you wouldn't have done, zoos are usually quite cagey...............quite cagey......................I SAID ZOOS ARE USUALLY QUITE CAGEY.......HELLO.........oh never mind. I'm wasted on you, I really am.

Simon Cowell Sculpts His Tits With A Trowel

A row has erupted over who should pay for the removal of unsafe PIP breast implants. Personally, I couldn't give a flying f*ck. He had enough money to get them put in and I'm pretty sure he's got enough money to get them taken out again.

Pulling Hair And Eating Dirt

Do you remember when you were at school and you used to stuff your tie in-between your second and third shirt buttons because you thought it made you look cool. You probably stopped doing it though when you reached the age of about thirteen and realised that it just made you look like a twat. Ahhhh, happy days.

Fans of self-flagellation, sadomasochism and pain may be interested to know that Lenny Henry has a new show on BBC1 tonight.

Being from Birmingham is not funny. It's the opposite.

It turns out that there wasn't a lion and a witch in the wardrobe at all. It was Anne Frank.

What's he got that I haven't got?..............................Oh yeah, I remember now.

What have I got that he hasn't got? A growing interest in guillotines.

WILL YOU BE QUIET!

I've noticed that every time any Scousers are killed in some kind of tragedy, the rest of them absolutely can't wait to get in there with a minute's silence. Now, I'm not exactly saying that killing Scousers is a good idea, I'm just saying that a little bit of peace and quiet once in a while might be nice.

This Year, Her Majesty The Queen Will Celebrate Spending Sixty Years On The Throne

That's nothing to celebrate Your Majesty. Maybe you should try and get a bit more roughage.

Nice to see that she takes The Daily Star in there with her though. Maybe she isn't so different to the rest of us after all.

From up here, they look like ants

I've met some Chinese people and to be totally honest, they probably didn't need to make it that high.

Parasitic Fat Bloke Discovered Living In Moby Dick's Eye Socket

Cindy Butts Calls For Steven Lawrence Enquirey To Stay Open

I see that Cindy Butts of The Metropolitan Police Authority has called for the Steven Lawrence enquiry to stay open. Cindy Butts?!?! I wonder what her pornstar name is.

Offside Rule Explained On Fifty Pence Piece

Apparently The Royal Mint have issued a new fifty pence piece featuring  a visual depiction of the offside rule in association football. Let me explain: When an attacking player passes the ball forwards, the player in receipt of that ball is deemed to be offside if he is a preening, criminally overpaid ballet dancer with no sense of decency or understanding of the concept of consent, who would refuse to carry a organ donor card in case it ruined the line of his Armani suit and is forward of the defending player nearest the defending goal-keeper at the moment the ball is passed to him. Hope this helps.

English Citizenship Test Questions

Could you happily beat someone to death with a baseball bat, or would you insist on using a cricket bat?
Could you murder a foreigner even if The Queen didn't want you to?
Do you look a bit dark, even in the middle of the day?
Are you happy to borrow trillions of pounds from your children?
Would you consider looting imported goods during a riot?
If you were kidnapped by al Qaeda and given the choice of eating a Devonshire cream tea without clotted cream or having your throat cut, would you do the decent thing?

World's Strogest Policeman Beats Sh*t Out Of Innocent Lorry

This shocking photograph shows a British policeman gloating over the badly injured hulk of an eighteen-wheel lorry which he has just beaten senseless with his funny little truncheon. Even though the lorry had been driving itself at 45mph in a 40 zone, I think that all right-thinking people would have to admit that this plod went too far in meting out his own brand of justice. This brave reporter attempted to get an interview with the lorry, but it was unable to articulate itself.

Jeremy Clarkson To Buy Hubble Space Telescope

Reports are just coming in that Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has bought the Hubble Space Telescope from NASA so that he can have a look at his penis.

Showbiz News

Steven Seagal  has landed the roll of  the wardrobe in a new Hollywood version of  'The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe'. Rumours that Cleo Laine and 'Dr'. Gillian McKeith are also to appear are, as yet, unconfirmed.

RAF Fail

We all owe a huge debt to our airmen for seeing off The Luftwaffe in 1940, but even the RAF failed to put an end to the unbelievable tedium of last years royal wedding. Sadly, their bombing run ended in failure as their high explosive payload overshot Buckingham Palace and took out The Queen's private speedway circuit. An RAF spokesman said 'Now look here, England can't keep relying on us to save it from the bloody Germans. Sooner or later, you're just going to have to stand up for yourselves'.
 A much anticipated appearance by al-Qaeda also failed to materialise as the key members of their British team were busy training for the London Olympics.