Number of flowers bought: None. Number of Jennifer Ariston films watched: None. Number of Whitney Houston songs sat through: Hundreds(but linked to an unfortunate event unrelated to Valentines Day). Premium paid for table at expensive restaurant: Zero. Money wasted on inexplicably expensive piece of card: No pounds, no pence. Disappointing presents given/received: Not applicable. Number of hazardous naked flames placed near curtains, soft furnishings etc in order to create atmosphere: None. Amount of effort put into making 'I love you' sound sincere: Nil. Amount of sex I will get tonight: Absolutely fuck all. Conclusion: Swings and roundabouts really. See you next year.
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