Krueger Town

Fictional Transcript Of Perfect Date With Dream Woman :

"Shall we watch Breakfast At Tiffany's?"
"I can't imagine anything worse"
"Me neither"
"Well, that's one thing we've got".

I came last in The World Sarcasm Olympics. Great! I'm sooo happy.

Take my hand and we'll make it I swear, whoa-oh livin' on a bear.

When I die, I want to be buried on an ancient Indian building site.

I can only assume that Chuck Norris is flying that helicopter.

........or Kevin Spacey.

I've always hated my mouth. I need it like I need a hole in the head.

"How long will the ambulance be? About ten feet sir. Enjoy the rest of your day!"

#Don't you ever, don't you ever, stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome#

What Prince Charles Sees

You have to admire the people who make peanut butter. Getting up at 6am every day to milk all those peanuts must be a right pain in the arse.

Pandamonium

This week I've been annoying the neighbours with my attempts to learn how to play the pandamonium. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the pandamonium is a Chinese bamboo bagpipe once favoured  by the great warriors of The Thing Dynasty which they deployed as they marched into battle against the various walls which someone kept building right in the way of wherever it was they happened to be going.
Of course, the major drawback of the pandamonium is that it makes an unutterably horrible din which most living creatures find impossible to tolerate or even survive, the only person who ever came close to accurately describing this terrifying cacophony was Peregrine Poolord XIV who, in his 'Great Procrastinator's Almanac of 1828' said that it sounded 'like a bagpipe'. This auditory abomination often attracts brigades of ravenous pandas who, keen to put an end to the painful racket so they can get back to not having sex, fall upon the pandamoniumist and chow down on the offending bamboo-constructed contrivance, the ensuing chaos of course, giving the pandamonium it's name.

Polar bears have an extraordinary sense of smell and an even more accute sense of irony.

VD

Number of flowers bought: None. Number of Jennifer Ariston films watched: None. Number of Whitney Houston songs sat through: Hundreds(but linked to an unfortunate event unrelated to Valentines Day). Premium paid for table at expensive restaurant: Zero. Money wasted on inexplicably expensive piece of card: No pounds, no pence. Disappointing presents given/received: Not applicable. Number of hazardous naked flames placed near curtains, soft furnishings etc in order to create atmosphere: None. Amount of effort put into making 'I love you' sound sincere: Nil. Amount of sex I will get tonight: Absolutely fuck all. Conclusion: Swings and roundabouts really. See you next year.

Time Team Set To Outlast Time Itself

 Archaeology news GO! Archaeologists have unearthed what they believe may be the remains of Anne Robinson's original face while filming an episode of Time Team. "Due to a pointless arbitrary time limit which the producers mistakenly believe will make archaeology seem exciting, we only had permission to excavate Anne's face for three days" coughed Baldrick "Our experts don't half talk some shite, however, I quickly got the (archaeolo)gist of what they were saying and translated it for Channel Four's notoriously stupid viewers. The exciting news is that we now believe Anne Robinson's face to be palaeolithic NOT neolithic OR terrific although may still be soporific and it is definitely still horrific".
 Baldrick went on to reveal his cunning plan for the next series "We at Time Team feel threatened by the rise of The BBC's new super-weapon Professor Brian Cox and his  attempts to see further back in time than we have ever managed. So next year we are going to attempt to excavate our way right back to the big-bang. If the Higgs Boson is out there, then we are going to find it with our funny little trowels".
 Here's to you Tony Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know.

F*cking Sat Nav

I can't help noticing that 'The Tripple Crown' is a plate.

There probably wasn't enough silver in the world to make a crown that would go on those massive Irish potato-heads.

Whitney Houston Suffers Potentially Career Ending Injury In Los Angeles Hotel Room

 The career of the insincere balladeer Whitney Houston is thought to be over today following the discovery of her body in some kind of room. Homosexual Hollywood gossip columnists are speculating that Houston's voice may not have the power to overcome this, the latest in a long line of setbacks. Tributes have been flooding in from all over the world, Nelson Mandela after describing Houston's career as "unforgivable" was not too upset to collect his winnings from Bobby Brown following a bet the two had made that Mandela could not outlive the troubled diva. In a move which could never be described as 'too little, too late'  Facebook tribute pages were quickly created by rival idiots, although a doctor has told me that this is unlikely to bring Ms. Houston back to life.
 Fellow tedium-warbler Mariah Carey claimed to have been in floods of tears following the death of her friend, although some La-La-Land insiders believe that she could have been referring to Osama Bin Laden, it is also possible that Miss. Carey (father of former Arch-Bishop of Canterbury George Carey) could have been talking about Ms. Houston. If this is the case however, it is impossible that she could have meant it.

If God had wanted penguins to fly, he'd have given us...................HANG ON A MINUTE!

Tim Burton Lumberjack Synergy

Did you know that lumberjacks love to celebrate the films of Tim Burton by yelling out his name every time they chop down a tree. Often, the last syllable is obscured by the sound of that tree smashing into the planet. The lumberjacks know that it is no coincidence that, even though he is in a film studio many thousands of miles away, the trees will always land at the exact moment Tim Burton shouts 'cut'.

Blackie

Bill Clinton Contemplates Asking For His Cigar Back

Filth

Attila The Pun

Scotland Relieved As Sean Connery Finally Comes Up For Air

Fly Fishing Competition Won By Crane

Indigestion expected for hopeful vulture

Q-Unit Vows To Hang A Child For Every Year Of Her Terrible Reign

Windypops

I think I've got the wrong egg-chasing super event.

 Confusion reigned supreme yesterday as 73,000 rugby union fans sat down to watch England's crucial Six Nations clash against Scotland in the wrong stadium. Investigators are speculating that a software failure in a Sputnik caused sat-nav systems across the UK to erroneously direct tens of thousands of rugby fans to The Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis instead of the home of Scottish rugby at Murrayfield.
 "It is absolutely inconceivable  that 73,000 people would have voluntarily turned up to watch a game of American Football and this is the only explanation we can think of" sang a powerful policeman. He continued "Like all British sports fans, the crowd were falling down drunk when they arrived so nobody noticed that they had in fact accidentally attended Super Bowl XLVI until the players all came on the field dressed as Lego men".

Some people say that the women who work on the Boots cosmetics counter wear too much make-up, but I think she looks nice.

Evolution Simply Cannot Explain This:

Darth Vader's Favourite Album

Fork Handles

We all know that Thomas Edison popularised the use of the electric light bulb, but what relatively few people know about Edison is that he was very lucky not to die in a domestic conflagration. The problem was that even though Edison designed and manufactured a truly brilliant and revolutionary method of lighting the home which remained unmatched for the next hundred years, Edison's wife still insisted on filling their house with aroma-therapy candles and f*cking tea-lights and stinking 'essential' oils burners. Despite of this, just a few short years later, women were allowed to vote. This did of course lead directly to several polling stations catching fire and burning to the ground for men to rebuild.

Cons'piracy' On The High Seas.

Conspiracy theorists often meet in secret. Are they part of a massive double-bluff? Is it possible that at such meetings in the past, the self same conspiracy theorists planned the Kennedy assassinations and the moon landings. Can the moon even have a landing? It doesn't seem to have any stairs. I'll get back to you when I've had time to think this through properly. Or we could all meet in my cellar at midnight and discuss it there. The password is 'bullshit'.

Katie Holmes walking Tom Cruise to the shops

No, I don't know why she's made him wear a skirt either. Maybe she's as mental as he is.

FACT: Terry Waite's kidnappers regretted leaving him chained to the fridge instead of the radiator.

Led Zepellin Pants

Fighting crime and wearing a cape will not necessarily make you as cool as Batman.

This Time It Was Only A Drill.

If he doesn't break it, they might let him have a gun like his mates.