That Was Nice

It's not so long ago that many doctors believed that female sarcasm did not exist at all. How things have changed. These days women expect to achieve sarcasm every time they have sex. If a partner is particularly unskilled, the woman may even achieve multiple sarcasm. I'm no expert, but I know from experience that I can bring a woman to sarcasm with nothing more than a few simple caresses.

Even Bill Gates Hates Prince Charles

I read the other day that Bill Gates wants to eradicate polio within two years. For the first time in my life, I agree with him. Who wants to watch some posh c*nt play golf on a horse?

How to run a business(into the ground).

Has the organisation you work for spent thousands of pounds drawing up a bespoke list of 'core values' or a company 'mission statement' which would apply equally well to every other business on the entire f*cking planet? Congratulations! You, like me, are employed by an imbecile.

Puny Humans

If an alien invasion fleet get wind of the idea that we all look like these puny bastards, they'll be on us like a ton of bricks. Yet another example of the irresponsible attitude of the fashion press.

Ceefax

It wasn't 98% porn and 2% kittens. It didn't pretend to be your rich Nigerian uncle. It didn't try and sell you herbal Viagra. It usually worked. When it didn't work, you didn't have to spend an arm and a leg ringing it from your mobile phone because it had f*cked your land line. You couldn't use it to coordinate a riot.  It didn't exist purely to sell you sh*t you don't want. Your 'friends' didn't use it to inform you about the most tedious and mundane aspects of their empty lives. You never had to reinstall Ceefax. It didn't give your money to Bill Gates or Rupert Murdoch. It never contained malware. The graphics were f*ckin' ace and I had more hair.

Muslim women are forever banging on about their right to wear the burka, but what about Chris Tarrent's right not to be hit in the face with a custard pie?

Ben Elton

One of these pictures shows bumbling short-sighted cartoon character Mr. Magoo, the other one shows the new London Olympics logo, which was probably designed by him. Can you tell which is which?

This recently unearthed fossil has led evolutionary biologists to postulate that humans may have evolved from enormous centipedes, not(as was previously believed) from monkeys or sheep or fish or something.

Experts have long maintained that it is important to remain active during retirement. This thrill seeking senior citizen for example, has joined a motorcycle stunt show.

They All Look The Same To Me

Some people think that Druids are misguided....

but I think it was very wise of them to gather together on the shortest day of the year in one of the world's draughtiest buildings while I was tucked up in bed like an idiot.

These choirboys are frolicking gaily because they mistakenly believe that the thin ice will protect them from 'fat priests'.

2 Girls 1 Cup

Many celebrities admit to having totally irrational phobias. The Duchess Of Cornwall for example, is absolutely sh*t scared of tunnels.....

(it's rumoured that Prince Edward has a similar problem with 'front bottoms').

On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix

JENGA!!!

Bleugh

This is what can happen if you let your supermodels eat their lunch on the side of your mountain.

Does anybody want to buy a 3D printer?

When the bloke in Dixons said that I'd be able to make '3D prints', I thought he said '3D Prince'. I've also got 300 gallons of purple ink if you're interested. Shame really. Just think of all the tiny countries I could have conquered with my army of purple midget warriors. Nobody in Liechtenstein, The Vatican City or Legoland Windsor would have slept soundly in their beds.
 And the 'finger prints set' I bought from the toy shop wasn't at all what I was hoping for either. I fully expected it to contain a pair of rubber gloves and a step ladder.

Poor old Jim Bowen. He'd wanted a boy.

Indisputable Fact

Did you know that every day in the United Kingdom, an area the size of Wales uses the letter 'L' far too much and then has sex with a sheep in the middle of a torrential downpour? Of course you did.

I took this photo of The Royal Albert Hall's prize exhibit.

No, I don't know why they've painted it gold either. It's quite fitting that it looks a little bit like a golf ball, as it's counterpart was also last seen in a bunker.

Ronery.

I went to sleep with The BBC World Service on again. According to my topical nightmares, either Kim Jong-il is dead, or King Kong is dead ill.

Another One Bites The Pillow

The Boffin In The Coffin

The geek who died last week.

The nerd who's been interred.

The Steve who does not breath.

The swot in the plot.

How disappointing. I thought it was going to be a French film about a massive omelette.

I'm really excited about next year's Paralympics. My favourite event is the cripple jump.

The queues for the disabled parking could be a bitch though.

Leaked X-Ray Photograph Of David Cameron's 'Heart'.

A Christmas message from the late, great Sir Jimmy Saville

Now then, now then. As it 'appens guys and gals, I enjoy a Christmas number one as much as the next man goodness gracious, but it's my Boxing Day number two that really is 'Top Of The Plops'. Howz about that then?

Typical Frenchman, won't leave home without his anal beads.

BINGO!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Check out the bingo wings on her! It's like watching a three thousand year-old episode of 'Loose Women'............................ON A GOLDEN TELEVISION.

I'm glad that somebody took the precaution of chaining up this dog. He looks dangerous.

Last night I dreamt that I made passionate love to a beautuful lady octopus. The weird thing is, when I woke up, my sheets were dripping wet.

No Man Is An Island

Really?

Careless Lisper

Jonathan Ross told me that the football team he and Chris Eubank play in, had won away last night. Won away! That's nothing to be proud of Wossy. Next time, stand your ground, you floppy-haired coward..

(N)O liver Reed

You're A Shit Ninja

 Nice try with the black clobber Darth, but ninjas don't wear helmets and that death star is way too big. You're not even going to be able to pick that up, never mind throw it. And I have no idea how you're going to slip away unnoticed into the night carrying that ridiculous glow-in-the-dark scaffolding pole. Grow up Darth.

Hot Air Baboon

Kill It, F*ck It, Eat It.

Number One Never Ending Extremely Profitable Antiques Roadshow Feedback Loop

 Unbelievable scenes! While cleaning out the upstairs spare bedroom of my bungalow, I came across this dusty looking VHS of the very first series of BBC1's perennial Sunday night favourite 'The Antiques Roadshow'. Immediately I knew I had stumbled across something very special and, as luck would have it, 'The Roadshow' itself was in town that very day. So naturally, I packed up my treasure, put on my socks, pants, trousers, shirt, jumper, shoes, kipper tie, ear-muffs, anti-slip steel toe-capped safety boots, tights, braces, girdle, bra, gimp mask and coat and headed off to the church hall.
 Fiona Bruce and the other experts were clearly impressed by my find and started quacking on about my video's historical significance, so I brutally cut them short and told them to stop f*cking around and get straight on to telling me what it was worth. Well, let's just say that I wasn't disappointed. Never one to miss out on a money making opportunity, I quickly made my way home to video the show, which I am going to take to have valued at next week's filming in Stoke. I expect my ongoing cultivation of 'Roadshow' videos to be very profitable indeed.

There's Been A Murdoch

Rumours are abound on Fleet Street that Rupert Murdoch is to face yet more allegations. I hope he'll be okay, allegations are very dangerous animals. Who does he think he is....... Steve Irwin?

In Space, No One Gets £200 From 'You've Been Framed'.

 When is the Australian Space Administration finally going to man up and do what the whole world has been willing it to do for years(put a kangaroo on the moon)? It was bad enough that the Soviet Union never put  Sergey Bubka up there. Expensive space programs must not be wasted on science.

 

Big Les

Big Les

Spot The Difference

In the event of my early demise at the hands of an errant motorist, I would like you all to buy some flowers from the Esso garage and(making sure you leave them in their non-biodegradable plastic wrapping) tie them to the lamp post to which, I was so horribly crushed to death. You all know how much I loved littering. It's what I would have wanted.

Desperate Houseflies

Moose Women

Angry Birds

I do not believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster or the theory of Atlantis

.............I think goths might be real though.