Ricky 'The Hitler' Hatton

Why does Prince only make love in the dark?

Because he can't reach the light switch.

Go To Sheep

This sheep needs a thorough examination. Now, who's willing to put their hand up?

Why didn't Jackie Chan go to work?

Because he had Kung Flu.

Bloody hell, a talking horse!

.........................said the horse.

Five Cheesey Pieces

 Many people argue that the wheel was the greatest invention in the history of mankind, but surely some credit should go to the person who invented cheese in the first place.

WATCH OUT!

I bought a new watch today from a bloke who then called me 'a lanky streak of p*ss'. I hate wind up merchants, don't you?

HURRY UP!

Velocity obsessed England fast bowler Stuart Broad(13) has announced that he has formed a Megadeth-style 1980s 'speed metal' band. Be warned though, 'The Stuart Broadband' is nowhere near as fast as he claims in his misleading advertising campaign.

Did I accidentally ask for a 'rent boy' in W.H. Smiths yesterday when I went there to buy a 'rent book'?

Well, let's just say that me and Pedro are very happy together.

Zombee

The Drug Of The Nation

I've spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to turn my TV on. I got there in the end though, you have to stick your finger up his arse.

R2D2 To Play Warwick Davis In New BBC2 Sitcom

 'We knew that a real person could never fit inside the Warwick Davis costume' squawked the show's co-creator Steven Merchant(in my mind) 'and Prince was not available, so we gave R2 a call. ‎At first we thought we'd got through to his fax machine but eventually we figured out that George Lucas had completely ruined R2's career with a series of awful prequels and he was now assembling Toyotas in Osaka'.
 

Going Down On An Old Wreck?

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[Insert Peter Andre based punchline here]

Why Not Use One Of These To Break The Ice At Parties?

Red Todgers

Oh no! I forgot to take the bins out. I promised them we'd go to the zoo.

An Open Letter To John Lennon

Dear Mr. Lennon.
With the benefit of hindsight, do you still think that it was wise to marry a woman called 'Oh No'?

Lots of love
Joey.

I've got myself mixed up with a Mafia taxidermist. He made me an otter I couldn't refuse.

Whenever I feel lonely, I remind myself that I am probably surrounded by silent ninja assassins and the loneliness soon goes away.

......this does of course, leave me with another, slightly more pressing problem.

I can laugh about it now, but I'll never forget the day I woke up with a horse's head in my bed.

Women: Untrustworthy. Scientists: Also Untrustworthy.

I've long suspected that women scientists fake their organisms and here's the proof.