Mini Cooper

Perhaps Satanists would have more luck if they put FORWARDS messages on heavy metal records

Isn't he a little old for you Michael?

I have restored my computer to an earlier point. On the down side, it now has rubber keys and a tape recorder attached. On the up side, Manic Miner.

You Keep Enoching, But You Can't Come In

‎"I wish I had been killed in the war." -Enoch Powell on being asked what his life's greatest regret was. I almost managed to feel sorry for the old bastard until I realised that he hadn't made it at all clear which side he would have liked to have been on.

The real Olympic legacy? Unemployed athletes:

"You're an ex 100 meter sprinter? That's great, I can get you ten seconds work next Tuesday"

"Can I get you any work on a building site? Well, as I saw you throwing your hammer 80 meters across a field on telly last week, I'd say probably not"

"You're Daley Thompson? That's great! I can get you a job selling Lucazade, no problem!"

"I didn't ask you if you can jump 18 meters in three strides, I asked you if you can type"

The Fairly Odd Mother

I heard about a 'collapsed manhole' on the traffic news today. For God's sake Barrymore, isn't it about time you knocked that sort of thing on the head, you damned fool?

Australia: Mars With Spiders

Only been arrested for kerb-crawling again. Maybe next time I should take the car

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a bulldog? Holes in your bulldog.

Olympic Go Bye Bye.

If I know anything about you saps, it's that you're probably getting withdrawal symptoms without the Olympics to distract you from your horrible lives. Fortunately for you, I have agreed with myself to make up some Olympic news just to stop you from throwing a suicide javelin right up you own nose. Here's the first instalment:

BONG! In a surprise result, the 110 meter hurdles has been won by a hippopotamus called Sally.

BONG! Taking inspiration from their ancestors, the Chinese table tennis team have assured victory for themselves by building a thousand mile long impregnable stone wall right across the middle of the table.

BONG! The Olympic rings are based on the anatomy of the founder of the modern Olympics Pierre de Coubertin, who had five anuses so that his wife could pick him up like a bowling ball and throw him at the television every time Eastenders was on.

BONG! 'Tweddle' is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning to talk rubbish while doing a forward roll.

BONG! The 2012 Olympics were actually held in Coventry(see picture).

I was going to marry a penguin today, but she's got cold feet

I don't know about you, but I think that winning the Tour de France seven times while on drugs is an amazing achievement. I can barely make it to the all night garage to buy more Vera's when I'm off me tits.

Why not cut out the middleman and actually marry the cake?

Internet jargon confuses me, what the Hell does it all meme?

I saw a bloke at the Paralympics today who was so excited about winning his race that both his legs fell off..................................................at least, I presume that's how the whole tragic scene unfolded.

Harem pants on ebay? Possibly not the first time they've gone under the hammer.

Sometimes I like to lye on my back looking at the shapes the clouds make as they silently roll across the sky. I think this one looks like a sheep, don't you?

Supermodels make me sick........or themselves sick.........look, I don't really know what I'm talking about but there's definitely some sick involved somewhere

Nottingham: Ready For War

This photograph shows what appears to be the erection of the dome/clock tower of Nottingham's famous council house during it's construction in the late nineteen-twenties. The eagle-eyed among you however, will not have failed to notice the obvious similarities between this photograph and the infamous U2 spy plane photographs of Soviet ICBM silos under construction near Havana some thirty years later which led directly to the Cuban missile crisis, pushing the world to the very brink of nuclear armageddon . 
The truth of the matter is that the Council House dome was not built for aesthetic reasons at all, but does in fact house a Russian built R36 intercontinental ballistic missile armed with a single warhead containing an eight megaton yield nuclear device capable of creating a fireball with a 30 mile blast radius, which is kept permanently fuelled and ready to launch at Derby city centre at a moment's notice.
While we all hope that the use of the missile will be necessary, it is reassuring to know that it is there, guarding us like a huge and utterly insane thermonuclear dog guarding it's favourite radioactive megabone even though the deranged canine knows that exploding the deadly megabone a mere 15 miles from it's own kennel would inevitably result in it's own instantaneous vaporisation. Ironically, at the same time as killing it, the fireball would completely cure the hypothetical dog(which I have named Cloughie) of the rabies which led to it's insanity in the first place. The Lord giveth, The Lord taketh away.
Fortunately the city council have built in rigorous safeguards to prevent an accidental launch of the device. On deciding that the time is right to launch a pre-emptive strike against Pride Park, Robin Hood will send the launch codes via two blindfolded carrier pigeons to Sue Pollard and Christopher Dean, who both hold one of the keys which simultaneously need to be inserted into the anus of each of the two stone lions guarding the Council House on The Old Market Square side of the building. Once this is done, the launch procedure is(for obvious safety reasons) irreversible.

Just watched 'The Elephant Man'. Worst f*cking super-hero film I've ever seen. Pretty cool disguise though.

Progress

In the nineteen-eighties the once proud city of Liverpool seemed like a lost cause. Urban decay, unemployment, Derek Hatton, Margaret Thatcher and Ken Dodd all did their bit to sink the place into the Mersey sludge. Then the entire population stops reading The Sun for twenty-five years and now look at it! Maybe we should all give it a try. What have you got to lose? Not reading The Sun involves no effort whatsoever. Seriously, it's an absolute Ken Doddle.


Actually, I quite like Ken Dodd.

BONG! Dirk Benedict joins Van Halen. Now sports.

Some people think that our ancient ancestors were more spiritually aware than us and were in touch with psychic energies in a way which we have lost, but I think that they led nasty, short, cold, disease ridden lives because they knew f*ck all.

Insane Crown Posse

Outstanding In His Field

Scarecrows really are getting frighteningly realistic these days. I saw one driving a tractor earlier!

Uranus

Did you know that you can use astrology to quickly find out if you are compatible with a potential partner? Simply ask them if they believe in astrology, if they say yes, turn around and find someone less stupid.