Mini Cooper

Perhaps Satanists would have more luck if they put FORWARDS messages on heavy metal records

Isn't he a little old for you Michael?

I have restored my computer to an earlier point. On the down side, it now has rubber keys and a tape recorder attached. On the up side, Manic Miner.

You Keep Enoching, But You Can't Come In

‎"I wish I had been killed in the war." -Enoch Powell on being asked what his life's greatest regret was. I almost managed to feel sorry for the old bastard until I realised that he hadn't made it at all clear which side he would have liked to have been on.

The real Olympic legacy? Unemployed athletes:

"You're an ex 100 meter sprinter? That's great, I can get you ten seconds work next Tuesday"

"Can I get you any work on a building site? Well, as I saw you throwing your hammer 80 meters across a field on telly last week, I'd say probably not"

"You're Daley Thompson? That's great! I can get you a job selling Lucazade, no problem!"

"I didn't ask you if you can jump 18 meters in three strides, I asked you if you can type"

The Fairly Odd Mother

I heard about a 'collapsed manhole' on the traffic news today. For God's sake Barrymore, isn't it about time you knocked that sort of thing on the head, you damned fool?

Australia: Mars With Spiders

Only been arrested for kerb-crawling again. Maybe next time I should take the car

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a bulldog? Holes in your bulldog.

Olympic Go Bye Bye.

If I know anything about you saps, it's that you're probably getting withdrawal symptoms without the Olympics to distract you from your horrible lives. Fortunately for you, I have agreed with myself to make up some Olympic news just to stop you from throwing a suicide javelin right up you own nose. Here's the first instalment:

BONG! In a surprise result, the 110 meter hurdles has been won by a hippopotamus called Sally.

BONG! Taking inspiration from their ancestors, the Chinese table tennis team have assured victory for themselves by building a thousand mile long impregnable stone wall right across the middle of the table.

BONG! The Olympic rings are based on the anatomy of the founder of the modern Olympics Pierre de Coubertin, who had five anuses so that his wife could pick him up like a bowling ball and throw him at the television every time Eastenders was on.

BONG! 'Tweddle' is an Anglo-Saxon word meaning to talk rubbish while doing a forward roll.

BONG! The 2012 Olympics were actually held in Coventry(see picture).

I was going to marry a penguin today, but she's got cold feet

I don't know about you, but I think that winning the Tour de France seven times while on drugs is an amazing achievement. I can barely make it to the all night garage to buy more Vera's when I'm off me tits.

Why not cut out the middleman and actually marry the cake?

Internet jargon confuses me, what the Hell does it all meme?

I saw a bloke at the Paralympics today who was so excited about winning his race that both his legs fell off..................................................at least, I presume that's how the whole tragic scene unfolded.

Harem pants on ebay? Possibly not the first time they've gone under the hammer.

Sometimes I like to lye on my back looking at the shapes the clouds make as they silently roll across the sky. I think this one looks like a sheep, don't you?

Supermodels make me sick........or themselves sick.........look, I don't really know what I'm talking about but there's definitely some sick involved somewhere