Only 100 days to go until the London beach..........Only 100 days to go until the sand Olympi.........................100 days left until the London sand-castle ...................................no, it's no good, I just can't figure out why the twats who run these things have built this f*ck off sand-castle.

In other news, I can't afford to pay my council tax.

Monty Python

Sketch comedy actors today don't know they're born. When I was in Monty Python I had to write direct and perform a half hour show for the BBC, run a bed and breakfast in Torquay, make Brazil, Jabberwocky, Twelve Monkeys AND The Adventures Of Baron Munchhausen, write and perform the theme tune for 'One Foot In The Grave', invent modern satire in 'That Was The Week That Was', get divorced, get married and get divorced again, go around the world in eighty days, die of AIDS, be the nicest man in showbiz, play an upright piano in the nuddy-bum, be better than 'The Goodies', get a chip shuvved up my nose by Kevin Kline, find the holy grail, make James Bond's gadgets, get to a conference for which I am very, very, very late, be unbelievably tall, make a party political broadcast for the Liberal Democrats, constantly be on the look-out for The Spanish Inquisition AND sully the memory of the whole fucking lot by getting a load of homosexuals to make a fucking Broadway musical about it. And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.

America In Shock As Lawnmower Destroys Trailer Park

Arresting Michael Jackson was never going to be easy

The Imperial War Museum, what is it good for?

The Imperial War Museum really is an extremely well defended museum. I can't think of any other museum in the world that is as well defended. You really would have to be crazy to launch a frontal assault on this particular museum. Other museums could learn a thing or two. Perhaps The Imperial War Museum should be sent to Afghanistan to fight The Taliban.

Randy Rockets

As this recently released photograph clearly illustrates, the real reason that NASA had The Space Shuttle taken out and shot is that it would frequently try to hump any aeroplane that came anywhere near it. It is ironic that the 'Shuttle' was a much randier space-craft than many of the giant phallic cock-o-rockets that it replaced.

At one point, NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory had to keep a team of fireman on the runway at all times, ready to go and throw a bucket of cold water over the randy  re-entry vehicle every time it got out of line. The total sex drive NASA built into a the Saturn 5 rockets used to put men on the moon for example, is almost exactly the same as one would find in a modern giant panda.
To this day, NASA has not offered a satisfactory explanation for the bureaucratic mix up which led to the Saturn 5 rockets never getting anywhere near Saturn, but getting lost and ending up on the moon. Many conspiracy theorists even speculate that this discrepancy may indicate that man never went to the moon at all, and that the so-called moon landings were actually filmed in a TV studio on Saturn.

Sheep love paintballing

North Korea launches rocket on anniversary of Titanic striking iceberg?!?! This can mean only one thing.....

IT'S LETTUCE DAY!

Millions of Americans do not believe in evolution

I have studied some Americans and am forced to concede that they may be right.

Many big cats require constant adjustment with a Phillips screwdriver

This one kept veering off to the left.